I’m in such a bad mood. Continued hot & sunny weather and very little sleep last night, blah blah blah. So, for your dining and dancing pleasure, I bring you a selection of our finest mean-spirited, pointless rants. Enjoy!
First off, and foremost in my mind: the next ignorant motherfucker with a cell phone to his* ear who expects me to slam on my brakes as he steps off the curb in front of my car after I’ve already begun my turn is gonna wake up in the hospital with treadmarks across his legs and that Nokia up his ass. Fair warning, all right? I will crush you and your cute little phone. Bank on it.
Next: we have a neighbor who employs a gardening service. Actually, almost everyone in the neighborhood does. We don’t, our immediate neighbors on either side don’t, and the folks kitty-corner from us don’t. The neighbor I’m thinking of is just up the block a bit. As if it matters. The point is, this neighbor has the gardener out there with the leaf-blower every Wednesday of the world, rain or shine, 9 AM sharp. I’m willing to overlook it during the fall, because we get a lot of leaves on our street. But dude, it’s the middle of the god-forsaken summer – THERE ARE NO LEAVES TO BLOW. Doesn’t matter. And I’m not blaming the gardener, either. Every time I’ve run into him while he’s blowing the dust microbes around, he gives me a sheepish grin of the “I know this is pointless, but the guy pays me, so…” type. He’s just doing his job. I’ll be sure to spare him when the revolution comes and I am named Emperor of the Known World. I will ban his leaf-blower, though, right along with snowmobiles, personal watercraft, SUVs (unless you can prove that you actually need one), ATVs (ditto), and the afore-mentioned cell phones.
Last on the hate parade: people who refer to some action they don’t care much for as being “typically liberal”, or, for that matter, “typically conservative”. That’s some lazy-ass thinking, you know it? I’ve known folks from both sides of the aisle, and neither has a monopoly on good or bad behavior. I’ve known conservatives who were wonderful people aside from their unfathomable (to me) politics, just as I can think of a couple of dyed-in-the-wool liberals who are complete and utter assholes. As much as you may disagree with a set of ideals, you just end up looking like a real dipshit when you try to tar everybody who holds them with the same brush. Knock it off.
OK, that last one’s not so mean spirited, I guess. You can’t blame a guy for trying.
*Women are not exempted. Since we don’t have generic non-gendered pronouns and I’m in no mood to dick around with “his/her” tonight, we’re goin’ with the masculine. Got a problem with that? Bring it on.